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Question Details: I just started this is the first chapter tell me what you think:

Chapter one the party

It was the last day of summer break and the day I turned 18. I had not been looking forward to today even though I knew my best friend Lindsey Barker would be having a surprise party for me. It wasn’t really going to be a surprise . I knew about it because of the many times I had tried to stop her from thronging the party. I remember a conversation we had had just a few days ago that went a little something like this: Lindsey : “ Cameron McConnell you are going to have a birthday party like you do every year and there is nothing you can do about it” Me: “yes there is something I can do I won’t come “ Lindsey: “ Ok well I guess you don’t want to see Emmit then?”
The conversation pretty much ended there. Emmit is kind of my weakness I’ve liked him for a while now. I’ve never had a boy friend. Well except one when I was 16 we kissed but then he moved to Wisconsin and oh yeah he told me he loved me and I promised to wait for him to come back and I totally wanted to. He hasn’t come back yet and with the whole emit thing I really hope he doesn’t . almost every guy in school has asked me out. I’m not sure why but I think it might have something to do with the fact that I have been voted prettiest girl in school 3 years in a row. But Emmit isn’t like that he gets me and likes me for who I am not just what I look like. Plus he is really hot He has this short black hair , is totally ripped , and his eyes oh my god his eyes they are almost the same deep sapphire blue color as mine except his have flecks of black and silver in theme. He is so amazing that every time I see him I have to take a step back and catch my breath so I don’t faint. Another great thing about him is his fashion sense he is always wearing the trendy close with his own personal touch a pair of red and black converse high tops. Emmit is the only reason I go to my party’s he is always there with some incredibly amazing gift. Last year he got me a bunch of forensic books that was the best gift I could have possibly got since I want to be a medical Examiner. This is a secret I have only shared with him and Lindsey . So when I walked into my living room , flicked on the lights and everyone I knew popped out and screamed “ surprise” I was anything but. What I wasn’t prepared for was how amazing Emmit looked. He was wearing a white button down polo with navy blue pin stripes over a light blue Hollister tee with a pair of distressed jeans and of course his chucks. I had anticipated him wearing this that’s why I went out last night and bought a Wright button down polo with pink pin stripes to wear over a pink Hollister tee with a pair of distressed jeans and my very own pair of pink and black converse in the hopes that we would match. Lucky for me we did. When I saw him get up and stat walking towards me I had to make sure I took a deep breath. “ Happy Birthday, Cammie !” he said. “ Thanks “ I replied I don’t know how I got the word out. Then Lindsey skipped over to the sound system and put in the all time low CD she got my for my birthday last year. We had been planning this for months I went to dance classes and learned a routine to dear Maria count me in ( Emmett’s favorite song) and I was going to show it off at the party to impress him. I totally thought I was ready to get out there and shake it but when the music came on and he walked over to me and said “ Oh my god I love this song you have to dance with me” my heart skipped a beat. The whole time I had practiced with a dance coach who was like 40 and not hot. So when Emmett asked me all I could do was nod and pray to god that I didn’t screw this up. We stepped out on to the dance floor and every eye was on us when Lindsey re started the song I took of my collared shirt and rolled my cammie up to my bust line ( this is how you dress to dance like a slut) started my sexy ruting ( at least its was suposto be sexy but I couldn’t tell )because as I did the Brittney spears hip thing Emmett’s jaw dropped and his eyes got really wide. I thought I probably looked like a total whore and he hated me. But then a crooked Edward Cullen smile made its way across his face as he grabbed my hand took off his polo and tee reveling a god like set of abs and started shaking it along with me. Accept instead of doing Brittney spears moves he was totally justing timberlake. This was the best moment of my life. I got the whole routine right and dancing with Emmett oh my god that was just. Oh my god!!! So when the song ended he didn’t take his arm off my waist like I thought he would. He held on tight but not so tight that II was going to like choke or something. We just stood there for a long moment staring up at each other both completely out of breath from dancing like that. Even though there were so many people In the room all of them cheering in that moment I felt like we were the onl

Favorite Answer:

Answer by Seirra S
Ok it has a good plot from what i read.
But the way it's written makes me feel like you, and your character are in junior high. Just by the dialect. I would consider re-writing this. Dig deeper.

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