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I started writing a story, Opinions please?

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Question Details: I just started this is the first chapter tell me what you think:

Chapter one the party

It was the last day of summer break and the day I turned 18. I had not been looking forward to today even though I knew my best friend Lindsey Barker would be having a surprise party for me. It wasn’t really going to be a surprise . I knew about it because of the many times I had tried to stop her from thronging the party. I remember a conversation we had had just a few days ago that went a little something like this: Lindsey : “ Cameron McConnell you are going to have a birthday party like you do every year and there is nothing you can do about it” Me: “yes there is something I can do I won’t come “ Lindsey: “ Ok well I guess you don’t want to see Emmit then?”
The conversation pretty much ended there. Emmit is kind of my weakness I’ve liked him for a while now. I’ve never had a boy friend. Well except one when I was 16 we kissed but then he moved to Wisconsin and oh yeah he told me he loved me and I promised to wait for him to come back and I totally wanted to. He hasn’t come back yet and with the whole emit thing I really hope he doesn’t . almost every guy in school has asked me out. I’m not sure why but I think it might have something to do with the fact that I have been voted prettiest girl in school 3 years in a row. But Emmit isn’t like that he gets me and likes me for who I am not just what I look like. Plus he is really hot He has this short black hair , is totally ripped , and his eyes oh my god his eyes they are almost the same deep sapphire blue color as mine except his have flecks of black and silver in theme. He is so amazing that every time I see him I have to take a step back and catch my breath so I don’t faint. Another great thing about him is his fashion sense he is always wearing the trendy close with his own personal touch a pair of red and black converse high tops. Emmit is the only reason I go to my party’s he is always there with some incredibly amazing gift. Last year he got me a bunch of forensic books that was the best gift I could have possibly got since I want to be a medical Examiner. This is a secret I have only shared with him and Lindsey . So when I walked into my living room , flicked on the lights and everyone I knew popped out and screamed “ surprise” I was anything but. What I wasn’t prepared for was how amazing Emmit looked. He was wearing a white button down polo with navy blue pin stripes over a light blue Hollister tee with a pair of distressed jeans and of course his chucks. I had anticipated him wearing this that’s why I went out last night and bought a Wright button down polo with pink pin stripes to wear over a pink Hollister tee with a pair of distressed jeans and my very own pair of pink and black converse in the hopes that we would match. Lucky for me we did. When I saw him get up and stat walking towards me I had to make sure I took a deep breath. “ Happy Birthday, Cammie !” he said. “ Thanks “ I replied I don’t know how I got the word out. Then Lindsey skipped over to the sound system and put in the all time low CD she got my for my birthday last year. We had been planning this for months I went to dance classes and learned a routine to dear Maria count me in ( Emmett’s favorite song) and I was going to show it off at the party to impress him. I totally thought I was ready to get out there and shake it but when the music came on and he walked over to me and said “ Oh my god I love this song you have to dance with me” my heart skipped a beat. The whole time I had practiced with a dance coach who was like 40 and not hot. So when Emmett asked me all I could do was nod and pray to god that I didn’t screw this up. We stepped out on to the dance floor and every eye was on us when Lindsey re started the song I took of my collared shirt and rolled my cammie up to my bust line ( this is how you dress to dance like a slut) started my sexy ruting ( at least its was suposto be sexy but I couldn’t tell )because as I did the Brittney spears hip thing Emmett’s jaw dropped and his eyes got really wide. I thought I probably looked like a total whore and he hated me. But then a crooked Edward Cullen smile made its way across his face as he grabbed my hand took off his polo and tee reveling a god like set of abs and started shaking it along with me. Accept instead of doing Brittney spears moves he was totally justing timberlake. This was the best moment of my life. I got the whole routine right and dancing with Emmett oh my god that was just. Oh my god!!! So when the song ended he didn’t take his arm off my waist like I thought he would. He held on tight but not so tight that II was going to like choke or something. We just stood there for a long moment staring up at each other both completely out of breath from dancing like that. Even though there were so many people In the room all of them cheering in that moment I felt like we were the onl

Favorite Answer:

Answer by Seirra S
Ok it has a good plot from what i read.
But the way it's written makes me feel like you, and your character are in junior high. Just by the dialect. I would consider re-writing this. Dig deeper.

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what you think of my story? See Comments for Answers

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Question Details: Author: Jeremy M. Wiley
Cyborg
Chapter 1
The day I lost my humanity

The day I lost my humanity was like most other days. I was just a regular black kid going to school and coming back. I didn’t have any idea what was going to happen to me that day………………………..
“Mom I’m going to school!” I screamed, notifying her that I was going to school.
“Ok honey be careful and don’t act a fool at school.” She said. I was 17 years old in my last year of high school. I was a good student, I got my grades and I played sports too. Life was fun for me, except for one thing. I lived on the wrong side of California, and with all of the gangs, drugs, and criminal activities going on down here. I had a lot to influence me. But I couldn’t do that to my mom; she was the only thing I had left. I stood their waiting at the bus stop. A car drove by blasting music. The windows were tinted so I couldn’t tell who was in the car. The car stopped in front of me I started to run but a familiar face looked out of the window. Smoke arose out the window hitting my nose like a train. The smell was potent it agitated my nose.
“What up my man?” It was my cousin Drew, he was no good. He called himself a gangster and followed that life style. Me and him broke ties a long time ago.
“Nothing much, I’m just waiting to go to school.” I said.
“Man come ride with me.” He asked.
“What? I got school man.” I said to him.
“What? The Calvin I used to know would kill to run with me.” Drew informed.
“Well the “Calvin” you used to know has changed.” I said.
“Aight then lil cuz go get yo education.” He said laughing as he drove off. Shortly after my confrontation with Drew, the bus came and I went to school. I reported to first period class. I took my seat in the class room as class started.
“Good morning seniors.” Mrs. Lain address the class. “Well if you didn’t know there are only 3 weeks of school left and you are set for the rest of your life. These last 3 weeks are going to be hardcore math so please pull out your books please.” The classed disapproved with facial expressions and remarks.
“Man I ain’t doing this shit.” One of my classmates said.
“Mr. Darin would please respect me and close your mouth!” She screamed at him.
“What? Bitch you don’t tell me what to do!” He got up and walked toward her. I got up in front of him.
“Man just chill and sit down it ain’t even that serious.” I said as I put my hand on his chest.
“Get your damn hand off of me.” He said as he moved my hand away roughly and pushed me extremely hard. I recoiled, by grabbing him by his collar and slammed his head onto the desk.
“Do you really want this problem?” I asked him in his ear. He didn’t say anything. I let him go. He stared at me for the longest.
“Yo this shit ain’t over bitch nigga!” He said as he walked out.
“Well that was very brave Mr. Johnson I will make sure he is wrote up and dealt with.” She said.
“No problem Mrs. Lain.” I said. School went by fast and I went to the gym as I usually do to workout and train for boxing.

?
“C’mon Calvin hit me with your best shot.” Joe screamed. I hit the two pads on his hand continuously. Joe was my boxing coach and my mentor, I loved boxing. I always liked to box because it is fun and kept me in shape.
“Good! Now give me a right hook!” He ordered. I executed a right hook. “That’s what I’m talking about!” Joe took the pads off of his hands. “Practice is over for today it’s getting late.” He said as he looked at his watch. “Matter of fact its dark outside you better get home before Mrs. Johnson has a fit.”
“Yes sir.” I said.
“Don’t forget you got a big boxing match Saturday.” He told me I left out of the gym. I started to walk home. Vrooooom!!!! A car engine revved. I turned around. Bright car lights shined in my eyes. The car was about a block away from me. I paid it no attention and continue to walk home. I heard tires screech the car took off. I turned around again noticing that the car was coming after me. I spilt, running fast as I could. I dashed through yards, onto porches and even I jumped fences. Who could this be chasing me I haven’t done nothing to nobody. But then again people around here didn’t need a reason. I finally ran out in the open street dashing home. I didn’t see the car anymore I thought I had got away. I stood their panting I was exhausted from all of the running. The car swerved around the block. I instantly began to run. POW!!!!! POW!!!!!! POW!!!!!!!!! Multiple gun shots were fired. All I can remember was my legs just giving out. My face slammed into the concrete. Blood had spilled on the street. Agonizing pain surged through my legs. I resorted to crawling. The car stopped beside me. A car door slammed. A foot blocked my vision. I slowly looked up.
“I told you I was gonna get you didn’t? Look at you. Yo punkass can’t even move.” Darin said. He pulled his bandana down from his mouth revealing himself. “Go to hell Calvin.” I turned away. He put
this part was cut out.
He put the pistol close to my face. POW!!!! POW!!!!! POW!!!!! POW!!!!!! I was thought I was dead. My entire life flashed before me. I just knew it was the end. Somehow I remained alive. I blanked out. I woke up in a hospital bed. Amazingly I was still alive but I couldn’t move or say a word. The only thing I could do was listen. I listened to the people conversing over me.
“Yes his physical statue is perfect. He will be a great test subject.” I heard a man’s voice but I couldn’t see him.
“No this is a human being, he is not meant to be some prototype!” Another voice spoke.
“You are under me! I want this boy in the test subject room and you testing on him!” The man shouted.
“Yes sir.” The other man replied. i tried to move but it was no use.
@breezyleeme thanx

and here's the complete chapter.

http://quizilla.teennick.com/stories/16790984/cyborg

Favorite Answer:

Answer by breezyleeme
I think it is really visual. I could see everything in my head. I pictured gangsters and the hood.
I like Calvin! I'm glad he lived through it.
Oh, gosh..wtf he is going to be tested on! This makes me want to know more about the people who have him trapped and what they are going to do to him.

It's chapter one...are you going to continue with the story?

I hope you do.

Nice job!

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how do you like my story i want to publish it when complete.? Find your Answer in Comments

by admin35

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Question Details: Chapter 1

I was a regular sixth grader. My life was just like anyone else’s. That was the truth. Year in and year out almost nothing seemed to change at all. As anyone trapped in an average life like mine, I wished almost more than anything to escape from this boringness!

Yet, somehow I felt different from everyone else. I knew I wasn’t, but this feeling was there, like I was destined for something better than your normal average life. I tried my best to ignore this feeling, but it wouldn’t go away no matter how hard I tried. For there was something, I wanted to know that they don’t teach you at school. I wanted to know what my purpose was. The thing I should live for, and die for.

Well, that was until April 18th 2008. It started out as an average Friday, but that was not at all how it was going to end. Like a normal Friday, I went to school and afterwards I had lacrosse practice at the elementary school.

At practice we first played catch. I got stuck with Natalie the coach’s daughter; she was also the worst player on the team. Afterwards we scrimmaged. Last, practice the coach said I could practice being goalie, but Natalie got to instead. We did that for over forty- five minuets. Boy, did it get tiring, and not once did the coach let us stop to get even the shortest of drinks. That was a typical practice. As always the coach was fuming mad at us because we all badly stunk. After practice I went over to play on the school playground, to wait for my dad to pick me up he was late as always. That was where the ordinariness ended, and the extraordinariness began.

I was peacefully swinging when I saw something out of the corner of my eye dash through the underbrush on the nearby knoll. I quickly got off the swing and slowly and carefully walked up the knoll to see what it was. The knoll was steep and a little rocky, but still trudged on. I had to see what it was.

As I came closer I quickly realized it was a sweet black and white cat, now sitting by a bush high up on the knoll. It looked fairly timid. It also looked like it’d seen its share of hard times. Though oddly enough, the cat didn’t look malnourished at all. It was odd that such an animal would be alone on night like this. And as my gaze moved to the animal’s neck, I saw no collar resting there.

“Here Kitty Kitty, Here Kitty” I called out to the mysterious cat as I slowly continued to advance forward towards her.

When I eventually got close enough I carefully bent down and reached over to pet the cat when a piercing scream rang though the air “What the heck are you doing?”

I quickly looked around to see who or what made that startling shriek. As I looked I didn’t see another living creature other than the cat and me. Then the cat must’ve, but how? There was only one way to find out.

“Um, uh hi kitty you didn’t scream just now did you?” I awkwardly asked the kitty. As I asked I was not just astonished at the possibility, but also just the tiniest bit scared.

I sighed, knowing the scream must have come from my imagination. “Oh great if my mom hears that I’m talking to a cat she’s going to take me to the shrink Ag.” I said aloud to my self until I was rudely interred interrupted by someone or something.

“If the mind of your parents is anything like yours they defiantly aren’t going to be able to afford a shrink at all! Oh and the cat said that!” the cat sitting next to me rudely interrupted

“No way! A cat is really talking to me!!” I shouted out in astonishment

“No DUH!” replied the cat

“What’s your problem?” I angrily asked

“You don’t want to know” the cat slyly replied

“Uh, Yeah I do wanna know.” I quickly snapped back at her

“All right, but your going to regret it it’s a long and horrible tale I don’t think you’ll.” The cat told me until I interrupted her.

“Can you hurry up and get to the point here? I have a life and will have to get going whenever my dad hurries and shows up!” I quickly said as I interrupted her.

“Fine, but I don’t believe I even got a proper introduction or a salutation”

I rolled my eyes at this new timewaster. Though If telling this cat who I was and hi would get me to hear her tale, then I would. I sighed.

“Hello, my name is Charlotte St.Clair, but I believe that you still owe me an introduction and salutation” I told her as I rolled my eyes

“Don’t worry I’m getting there. But let’s go sit over there.” The cat said as she motioned to a bench close to the school building.

“Alright” I agreed

I sprinted over to the bench, while the cat slowly came after me. I knew I really wanted to hear this story, but oddly it seemed as if the cat did not want to tell it. I wondered why?

After we got situated on the bench she began her sad tale.

“My name is Shiloh and my story begins a long time ago when I was still young in my youth. As I am now I was a loner. A loner, used to the ha

Favorite Answer:

Answer by Max
If you want to publish it later, you shouldn't be putting it into circulation... You should have people you trust edit/critique it... not a public internet place where people could read it at any time... No agent or publisher would take your book on if it's already been put out to the public online...

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So what’s your tennis story? Watcher, player or both?

by admin35

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Question Details: As some of you know, i just joined and i want to know more about all of you :) I hope that's okayyy :) How did you get into tennis, who's your favourite player? Do you like to watch, play or both? What level do you play at and how often?

Me - I used to play tennis every summer when i was younger at school because everyone did but then i started to get good and i could beat all of my friends so my mum said i should join a club. I did and the coach there said i had potential and said i should hire my own coach and maybe i could play tournaments. I was about 10 at this point and my mum agreed so i started being coached and was playing tournaments properly. I won most of my matches and was at a pretty high level. By the time i was 16 i was the top ranked in my area and i was on track with my dream to turn pro. My coach said i was good enough and if i worked hard i had a decent chance.

So i kept going but a few months later i was badly injured and couldn't play for a year and a half. I dance too and the people doing the lifting dropped me :( I broke my collar bone, my wrist and dislocated my elbow - typically on my right side. I've never been able to play the same again, it's still painful even though it should have healed by now. I'm always tentative with it and my serve is just gone. I don't have the power or accuracy i used to have and my first tournament back was horrendous :( It was really hard for a long time but i've learnt to deal with it. I still play 2 or 3 times a week but it's for fun now. I also love to watch tennis, my favourite players are Gonzalez and Federer.

What about you?

Favorite Answer:

Answer by James Blake For President!
I wish I had time to be more of a player. I'm on my High School tennis club, thingy, but we don't play all that often. It's kind of strange..(I go to a small school)..
I watch more tennis, I like James Blake

Edit: Oh I never read under you question..Welcome to the TENNIS SECTION. It's the best section in Yahoo! Answers..I hate to hear about your injuries, that's rough. I never really cared about tennis until (I think it was 2002 or 03) where I watched my first full length match. It happened to be the Australian Open where Serena completed her Career Slam. Then I sort of watched Slams for years. I grew to love James Blake for his fighting spirit and humor. I watch a lot of women's tennis as well and I am a hardcore Svetlana Kuznetsova fan.

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Question Related to > Coach Collar

{ 9 comments }

So what’s your tennis story? Watcher, player or both? Find your Answer in Comments

by admin35

eBay still has Lowest Prices on Authentic Coach Collars!

.

Question Details: As some of you know, i just joined and i want to know more about all of you :) I hope that's okayyy :) How did you get into tennis, who's your favourite player? Do you like to watch, play or both? What level do you play at and how often?

Me - I used to play tennis every summer when i was younger at school because everyone did but then i started to get good and i could beat all of my friends so my mum said i should join a club. I did and the coach there said i had potential and said i should hire my own coach and maybe i could play tournaments. I was about 10 at this point and my mum agreed so i started being coached and was playing tournaments properly. I won most of my matches and was at a pretty high level. By the time i was 16 i was the top ranked in my area and i was on track with my dream to turn pro. My coach said i was good enough and if i worked hard i had a decent chance.

So i kept going but a few months later i was badly injured and couldn't play for a year and a half. I dance too and the people doing the lifting dropped me :( I broke my collar bone, my wrist and dislocated my elbow - typically on my right side. I've never been able to play the same again, it's still painful even though it should have healed by now. I'm always tentative with it and my serve is just gone. I don't have the power or accuracy i used to have and my first tournament back was horrendous :( It was really hard for a long time but i've learnt to deal with it. I still play 2 or 3 times a week but it's for fun now. I also love to watch tennis, my favourite players are Gonzalez and Federer.

What about you?

Favorite Answer:

Answer by James Blake For President!
I wish I had time to be more of a player. I'm on my High School tennis club, thingy, but we don't play all that often. It's kind of strange..(I go to a small school)..
I watch more tennis, I like James Blake

Edit: Oh I never read under you question..Welcome to the TENNIS SECTION. It's the best section in Yahoo! Answers..I hate to hear about your injuries, that's rough. I never really cared about tennis until (I think it was 2002 or 03) where I watched my first full length match. It happened to be the Australian Open where Serena completed her Career Slam. Then I sort of watched Slams for years. I grew to love James Blake for his fighting spirit and humor. I watch a lot of women's tennis as well and I am a hardcore Svetlana Kuznetsova fan.

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Question Related to > Coach Collar

{ 9 comments }

So what’s your tennis story? Watcher, player or both? Find your Answer in Comments

July 25, 2010

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